Tuesday, January 8, 2013

AIG SUING AMERICA ...i'm frackin serious!


Dear American Taxpayers:

In 2008, you paid for a bailout of A.I.G. totaling $182 billion. Today, we are writing to tell you that we’re thinking of suing you.
When we made this decision, we knew we were in for some rough treatment from the media. We’ve been called everything from soulless bloodsuckers to Satan’s scabrous handmaidens, and worse. At A.I.G., though, we have a different name for ourselves: true American heroes.

You see, by suing the same people who bailed out our asses just five years ago, we are standing up for one of the most precious American rights of all: the right to sue someone who has just saved your life.

Let’s say that you’re trapped in a burning building and a fireman pulls you out to safety. Once you’re out of the fire, though, you notice that the fireman carelessly ripped the lapel of your Armani jacket. Shouldn’t you be able to sue the fireman for the full cost of its replacement?

Or let’s say you’re drowning in the ocean. A lifeguard dives in, pulls you back onto the shore, and administers mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Aren’t you entitled to take appropriate action—i.e., sue him for sexual harassment?

By suing you, we are standing up for the right of every other American who might, through no fault of his own, have his life saved and want to sue the person who saved him for millions of dollars. And that’s why we’re asking for your help today.

Lawsuits aren’t cheap. They require highly paid lawyers, who rack up millions in legal fees, not to mention first-class airfare, hotels, and sumptuous gourmet meals—hardly the kind of expense that we at A.I.G. can afford.

That’s why we’d like you to pay for it.

You may think we’re expecting a lot, asking you for the money necessary for us to sue you. But, remember, there’s a bigger principle at stake, and someday, if you’re pulled from a burning building or an ocean, you’ll be glad you stood with us today.

Oh, and as for our ad campaign, “Thank you, America”? We’re sticking with that, just changing the first word.

See you in court,

Your friends at A.I.G. 

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)


  1. “Here's the news: I am going to sue the Brown & Williamson Tobacco Company, manufacturers of Pall Mall cigarettes, for a billion bucks! Starting when I was only twelve years old, I have never chain-smoked anything but unfiltered Pall Malls. And for many years now, right on the package, Brown & Williamson have promised to kill me.
    But I am eighty-two. Thanks a lot, you dirty rats. The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.”

    K.Vonnegut, A man without a country

  2. “The Nazis are not justified by saying,

    Don't you know that there is more than just the issue of the Jews? The issues are more complex than that! What of the poor in this country, who cannot afford housing? What about the sick and malnourished? Don't you care about these people? Don't you claim to be a follower of Jesus?!

    Supporting a murderous political agenda with such an argument is tragic!

    And what do we know about Obama? He is the single most anti-life proponent that has ever run for the office of president. ”


  3. Ms. Manners: Is It Rude to Sue Someone Who Loaned You $182 Billion?

    Jan 9, 2013 10:37 AM by Lisa Beth Johnson

    Dear Ms. Manners,

    I'm writing to settle a quibble between myself and a friend. Four years ago, my friend was in very bad shape. She was heading toward financial ruin, in fact, when I offered her a $182 billion loan. This past October my friend was able to pay me back in full, including interest. I'm not ashamed to say that I profited from this loan.

    Last week, my friend sent me a thank-you note. I saw no need to send a thank-you note in return, as I was the one who did the initial favor. Unfortunately, I've since learned she is now considering a lawsuit against me because the terms of my loan were supposedly too harsh. Do you think she's doing this because I didn't send her a thank-you note as well? Please let me know who's in the wrong.


    The United States Treasury Department

    Dear U.S. Treasury Department,

    You are a generous friend, and this borrower is lucky to count you among theirs! As for the thank-you note, it isn't customary to send a thank-you note for a thank-you note, thank goodness. It is considered polite, though, to call or electronic mail (in this "modern age") to let someone know you've received their thanks. Assuming you did this, it would be wise to give your friend a chance to explain. Perhaps she is obligated by some fiduciary duty to her stockholders, in which case I wouldn't take offense. That sort of thing is, alas, becoming more and more common.

    That said, I wouldn't lend this particular friend any more money, and perhaps this experience will make you think twice before entering into such arrangements again. As you've learned, friends and money mix about as well as etiquette and politics.